DEAR CAROLINE: Why doesn't my 31-year-old son have any friends? (2024)

By Caroline West-meads For You Magazine

Published: | Updated:

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Q Our lovely son, who has just turned 31, doesn’t have any friends or a girlfriend. He is still living with us, though he is saving to buy his own place. I have encouraged him to join clubs with a view to meeting people, but these haven’t worked. He doesn’t appear sad or depressed about it, though last week when we took him out for dinner on his birthday he was grateful because he said it was better than a table for one. This is the only time he has mentioned being alone.

When he was younger, he didn’t have many friends but that didn’t stop him going to university, where he got a first in an academic subject. While there, he was diagnosed with dyspraxia and dyslexia. He wanted to carry on studying, although that fell through when he couldn’t find a job to pay his way.

He is close to his sister, but she is married and lives many miles away. I hoped that he would see more of his cousins who live nearby, but they are married and have busy lives. He now works for the civil service, but doesn’t socialise much outside the office. I’ve talked to himabout using dating apps, though I doubt he has done anything about it. I find it heartbreaking but it doesn’t seem to bother my son. Am I worrying too much?

A It is so difficult as parents to see our children struggling. Sadly, some people find it hard to make friends. You say that your son doesn’t seem sad or depressed, but he did acknowledge that he would have been lonely on his birthday if it hadn’t been for you and your husband. So it may be worth asking him directly.

Is there anything that you can think of that might stop him making friends? For instance, does he suffer from social anxiety? Sometimes people can talk far too much when anxious or nervous. Others might think they need to impress by talking about themselves or their achievements when, in fact, the best way to make friends is to listen to and show an interest in the other person.

I wonder, too, if your son could be on the autistic spectrum. Dyspraxia and dyslexia can be indications of this, as can isolation because of a difficulty fitting in. Sufferers of autism spectrum disorder can often be loyal, honest, kind and funny – so are wonderful to have as friends. However, they often have difficulty ‘reading’ people and the constant struggle to work out what others think can make it hard to establish deep friendships.

Contact the National Autistic Society (autism.org.uk) and Ambitious About Autism (ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk)to find out more. Your son might also benefit from counselling (through relate.org.uk or bacp.co.uk), which could help build up his confidence to expand his social network.

I wasn’t invited to my mother’s funeral

Q I have a loving wife, children and grandchildren butI have a troubled relationship with my original family, which has culminated in me feeling sidelined and angry following my mother’s death. My mum was always close to my sister, yet I was the one who did all the donkey work if she needed help. My wife said I was being used.

Many years ago I was injured in a serious accident and, after a few weeks, my mother wanted my help as usual, which I was unable to give. She never rang back or asked how my injuries were. My wife was appalled. A few years later, a friend sent me the local paper. My mother’s name was in the ‘In Memoriam’ section, with a message from my sister thanking people who had attended her cremation three weeks earlier.

I was never even informed. I haven’t seen my sister since.

A It must be devastating to have found out about your mother’s death in this way – and to have had no chance to go to her funeral. From your longer letter, it sounds as though your sister has always been difficult and your mother was selfish. Her reaction after you were involved in an accident is devoid of maternal love.

But it is important to emphasise that your motherlet you down not because of anything you have done wrong or through any fault in you, but because of her own failure and inability to love. Sometimes this is because of damage in someone’s own past. Perhaps her parents were unable to express love.

I also think that your sister has been jealous. You cannot change the past, but please remind yourself how loved you are by your wife and children – and take comfort from that.

If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_

Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally

DEAR CAROLINE: Why doesn't my 31-year-old son have any friends? (2024)

FAQs

Why doesn't my son have any friends? ›

There are many reasons why a child may not have many, or any, friends. She might be noticeably different, either physically or intellectually. He may lack social skills or a have a personality that puts off others his own age. He might not share the same interests as his classmates (for example he may hate sports).

How to deal with your child not having friends? ›

If your teen has a hard time making friends, here are 10 tips you can follow to help encourage them to socialize.
  1. Be supportive. ...
  2. Talk. ...
  3. Boost confidence. ...
  4. Insist on school participation. ...
  5. Teach them to control negative emotions. ...
  6. Encourage empathy. ...
  7. Rule out anxiety. ...
  8. Sign them up.

What are the effects of a child not having friends? ›

For example, studies have shown that socially isolated children's academic performance tends to be inferior, they find themselves to be part of a less advantaged social class, and are more likely to be psychologically distressed in adulthood (Lacey, Kumari & Bartley, 2014).

Why is my son not socializing? ›

They often avoid social situations in which they fear they might embarrass themselves. Take a look at signs of anxiety in teens and tweens. If your child seems to be having problems with anxiety, this is another time to reach out to the health care provider and ask about a mental health evaluation.

Should parents interfere their children's friendships? ›

Controlling your children's friendships while they are young won't help them to nurture positive relationships in the future. So, like most aspects of parenting, the best thing you can do is to help teach them life skills that they can work with and continue developing on their own.

What is isolated child syndrome? ›

The child's 'isolated' state manifests itself in defective social interaction and communication between mother and child, in disorders of perceptual function and motor skills, in stereotyped behaviour and in general developmental retardation, especially in language.

What does loneliness do to a child? ›

Higher likelihood of alcohol and drug abuse. Difficulty concentrating. Poor self-care. Children and teens who struggle with loneliness will usually miss out on more opportunities and fail to explore their skills and hobbies, both in school and outside of it.

Is it normal for a 10 year old to not have friends? ›

If your child has had access to many social situations, including school, and still hasn't made any friends, it might be time to talk to teachers or school administrators to find out whether they're noticing any red flags, such as the following: Your child is isolating and not engaging with peers.

How do I get my son to have more friends? ›

Here are some ways parents can help.
  1. Start at home: Learning relationship skills. ...
  2. Be a good role model outside the home, too. ...
  3. Make interactions easier. ...
  4. Keep an eye on your child — but don't hover. ...
  5. Keep an open line of communication, and be supportive. ...
  6. If your child keeps struggling with making friends, talk to your doctor.
Mar 6, 2023

What does lack of friends indicate? ›

When someone doesn't have friends it's almost never because their core personality is unlikable. It's usually due to a mix of interfering factors such as: They're not knowledgeable about the skills for making friends. They're too shy, socially anxious, insecure, or unconfident to pursue friendships.

Is it normal to have little to no friends? ›

Is it normal to have no friends? Reports suggest that many adults report having few friends or none at all. Among millennial-aged adults, 27% report that they have no close friends. 1 Societal trends appear to be playing a part, but there are individual factors that may also contribute to the lack of friendships.

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